Are Online Friendships Real Friendships?
I remember the first time I made internet friends. It was back in 1999 in the good old days of AOL Messenger and Yahoo Chats. I met a couple named Sam and Jen on a Christian chat room. We hit it off right away. With similar upbringings, interests, and conversion stories, it seemed like Sam and Jen were kindred spirits. They lived in Oregon and I in Michigan, but the distance seemed like nothing when we talked.
We eventually exchanged personal information, and after a few months, Sam and Jen went on a cross-country road trip and came to visit me in Michigan. I still remember how excited I was when they walked into the gas station I was working at to surprise me at work. My boss let me go outside so we could take pictures together. After I got off work, we spent the rest of the day hanging out before they continued their road trip. I eventually lost contact with Sam and Jen, but I still have the picture of us together buried somewhere in one of my old photo albums. It was a fun memory at the dawn of the internet age.
The Early Days of Online Friendships
However, when I told my real-life acquaintances about Sam and Jen, there was a sense of suspicion. “You have friends on the computer? Don’t you think that’s a bit weird?” “You’re just meeting up with these random people from the computer…what if they are murderers?” There was this implication that online friendships were not normal or healthy—or that they were inferior to “real life” friendships.
While the internet is not as new and weird as it was in the 1990s, there is still a sense that online friendships are in a different category than in-person relationships. How we conceive of online friendships is particularly important when it comes to kids. If your children are online, chances are they have made some online friends. In my years as an online educator, I have seen a variety of parental responses to their children’s online friendships, ranging from wholescale acceptance to dismissing them as “not real.”
In this article, I will argue that online friendships are real friendships that can be as significant as in-person friendships, especially for young people.
A World of Connections
We all know that the digital age is a mixed bag, with many benefits and deficits whose social impact is still being assessed. Even so, I think one thing we all enjoy about digital platforms is their ability to break down geographical barriers, allowing people to connect with others who share their interests, regardless of location.
This is quite important to young people, who are able to form niche communities based on their hobbies and interests. On the Homeschool Connections student Cafe, for example, I frequently see kids congregating around things like online gaming, certain fandoms, and hobby groups. There are writing groups, clubs dedicated to chess, music appreciation groups, and everything you could imagine. This kind of thing is especially important for kids in remote locations or those who, for whatever reason, do not have a peer group in their location. It helps them realize they are not as isolated as they may sometimes feel. These online connections are thus very important for the young people who invest in them, giving them a sense of peer community they may struggle to develop elsewhere.
But Are Online Friendships “Real”?
While expanding one’s social circle is a benefit of online relationships, people often question the depth and authenticity of these friendships. Are online friendships “real”? How could it be possible to develop the bonds of friendship without physical presence?
Obviously, online relationships can be ephemeral. We will all meet thousands of people in our lives through many avenues, and only a fraction of them will become friends. But most of us also know that real friendships can pop up from anywhere. We’ve all had the experience of having some random encounter blossom into a rich friendship. It is helpful to consider what constitutes a “real” friendship. Is physical presence a necessary component of a “real” friendship? When most of us consider what makes a good friend, do we not consider things like shared experience, emotional support, and mutual respect? Ultimately, these intangible aspects of friendship mean the most to us. These can indeed be cultivated through online interactions without any physical presence.
These qualities are essential to any friendship, but even more so for young people, who are still forming a sense of self and thrive on the emotional support offered by their friends. For young people, these intangible qualities of friendship are far more important than physical presence. Online friendships can thus even be more important to young people than to adults.
The Blurring Line Between Online and Offline
Whether we like it or not, online friendships are becoming an increasingly prevalent part of our social lives. When I first started making online friends in 1999, there was a sharp distinction between online and offline friendships. Today, the advance of communication technology is increasingly blurring this distinction. For example, when I met Sam and Jen online, the chat rooms did not allow for the exchange of photos, so I had no idea what they even looked like until the day they walked into my workplace. But today’s technology allows all sorts of opportunities for online interactions to become more personal.
Messaging apps like WhatsApp, Google Chats, and Facebook Messenger allow the sharing of video and audio files, so people can see and hear each other. When my son plays online video games with his friends, they talk to each other in real time over headsets as they collaborate in the game. Video calls, FaceTime, and gathering in Zoom rooms or Discord servers allow a variety of options for visual communication. In short, online friendships today have the capacity to become vastly more personal than they did when I was young.
It is possible that future generations may not even distinguish between online and offline friendships. Friendships that begin online may develop into offline relationships as online friends meet up. In contrast, offline friendships develop an online component as friends find each other on social media and communicate through all the means technology makes available.
In other words, it is becoming less and less helpful to strictly categorize friendships as offline vs. online, let alone make value judgments based on these distinctions.
Your Child’s Online Friends
Online friendships have every characteristic of genuine friendships. They have real value to those who cultivate them and should be respected. If your child has online friends, it’s important to consider the importance your child vests in these friendships. Allow them time to nourish these friendships (for example, giving them space to video chat with their friends or play online games together). Avoid speaking of their online friendships as if they are inconsequential or not “real.” If feasible, coordinate a supervised meet-up so your child can meet their online friends in real life.
Digital friendships have to be balanced with vigilance about internet safety. There are a lot of great resources out there for teaching kids about being safe online. Focus on the Family has an excellent outline for constructing basic internet rules. Teach Them Diligently is another fantastic resource that provides links to all sorts of online safety content. Obviously, education in basic internet safety is a prerequisite to any online socializing, but assuming your child is using tech responsibly and you are in the loop about his or her online activities, online friendships with other children can be fruitful.
Embracing Genuine Connections in a Digital Age
