If I Could Tell You One Thing About Your Teens…
Homeschooling Teens and Understanding the Impact of Overloaded Schedules
A Life Among High School Kids
I’ve spent most of my adult life living and working in the world of high school kids. Thousands of hours in the classroom with thousands of students, meet-ups, speaking engagements, tutoring, youth group, and several years keeping an eye on things in the HSC Student Café. Then there were the years of professional training I had in college studying child psychology, classroom management, curriculum development, and secondary educational pedagogy—not to mention all the years I’ve spent homeschooling my own children. I’ve dedicated the better part of the last twenty years to working with high school kids.
This week, I reflected on my experiences and considered what one lesson I could share with parents about teenagers. If I were to communicate one thing to parents about teenagers in general, what would it be? What is one nugget of wisdom I have gleaned from my years of experience working with young people?
The One Thing I’ve Learned
Simply this: Your kids are exhausted.
They tell me about it in their messages, begging for homework extensions. They discuss it online with each other, complaining about their packed schedules. I notice it in the breakneck pace of their daily routines.
Most teenagers I encounter are just too busy. I understand that, to some degree, how busy is “too busy” is a subjective judgment relative to the child’s personality, work ethic, interests, and a whole suite of other factors that cannot be easily gauged. For the purpose of this essay, I am defining “too busy” as a child who is busy to the degree that their busyness causes them anxiety or physical fatigue. Many teens’ schedules are so busy with classes, work, social obligations, enrichment activities, church, and family responsibilities that free time is a precious commodity. And they have far too little of it. These kids often feel entirely overwhelmed. They are barely keeping their heads above water.
Misjudging Youth Responsibilities
So why am I sharing this piece of intel about the teenage world? Simply because I don’t believe most parents are aware of it—or if they are, they are not aware of its severity.
Why don’t a lot of parents recognize signs of exhaustion?
For one thing, adults sometimes do not think of youth responsibilities as truly stressful. They think child stressors are inconsequential because they don’t carry the same level of consequence as adult stressors. There can be a smoldering indignance at our teenager’s stress. “What do you have to be stressed about?” we think. “You have your food and lodging handed to you. You don’t have to pay for your expenses. You don’t have to get up and go to work every single day. You have your youth and your entire life before you. Stop acting entitled.”
When we think this way, we make our adult responsibilities the reference point in the conversation. In other words, we view children’s anxieties through the lens of our own.
The Cumulative Stress of Responsibilities
The result is that when teens share how tired they are, the parent may respond poorly, poo-pooing the teen’s concern by saying things like, “You’re not that busy,” “You don’t have it that hard,” “You’re exaggerating,” etc. This is not only belittling to the child, but it only adds to their stress by making them think their parents don’t really care about what they are experiencing. And it makes it increasingly less likely the teen will share about other problems. It’s truly sad to think about all the students I have had over the years who felt like they could not bring up their exhaustion with their parents for fear of having their concerns sidelined.
The Danger of Burnout
Another issue is that parents often fail to consider the cumulative stress of their child’s responsibilities. Parents can think of their child’s schedule in a way that is too compartmentalized.
For example, suppose a boy has swimming lessons for a half hour on Mondays and Wednesdays, works a part-time job on Tuesdays and Thursdays, does drama club on Fridays, and has responsibilities caring for the family livestock at home every afternoon. He also goes to Youth Group on Saturday and has to altar serve on Sundays; after Mass he helps his mother volunteer to run the coffee and donuts. He is also studying for the ACT. And he has all his regular homeschooling responsibilities. It’s true that any one of those items in isolation is not that much—swimming lessons are only a half hour, youth group is only one hour, ACT prep is only forty-five minutes per night, etc. But we can’t afford to lose sight of the forest for the trees.
Though each of these tasks isn’t much on its own, cumulatively, they can leave a child feeling overwhelmed and exhausted mentally and physically. They are left feeling like they are in constant movement from one responsibility to the next.
Teenage Angst and Its Impact
Teens in these situations are at risk of burnout. They may randomly break down in tears at seemingly minor inconveniences, have trouble sleeping, or keep strange eating schedules. I know of teens who have skipped regular meals because they feel “too busy” to eat.
The Challenges of Being a Teenager
Furthermore, parents can easily forget what it’s like to be a teenager. Teenage angst is a well-observed phenomenon, often serving as the trope in every teenage coming-of-age film. Teenage angst is a real thing, however, emerging in reaction to the challenges of adolescence as teens confront intense emotions and uncertainties. It can include feelings of anxiety, apprehension, worry, or dread and can be accompanied by depression, frustration, rebellion, and an irritable outlook on life. In short, simply being a teenager is stressful, over and apart from any specific responsibilities. Because teens have strong emotions and anxieties, we must remember that their responsibilities may cause considerably more stress than we might think. Activities like preparing for a test or going away to camp for a week can be sources of intense anxiety.
Fear of Disappointing Parents
Finally, children are often reluctant to express their sense of exhaustion for fear of upsetting their parents. Most teenagers fear disappointing their parents and may hide their true feelings about their schedule if they think their parents might be let down. For example, suppose you have a 15-year-old girl already feeling too busy when her mother approaches and excitedly tells her about a new archery club being formed at the local co-op. It’s only one afternoon a week, and she thinks she’d really like it. Even if that girl is already feeling too stressed and tired from her existing schedule, she is likely to go along with her mother’s idea because she feels that to do otherwise would be to disappoint her mother. So she adds another responsibility to her already crowded schedule.
Conclusion: Have an Honest Conversation
Now, most parents reading this will think, “I would never be disappointed in my child for feeling too busy to take on another activity!” While that is likely true, that’s not how many teenagers think about it.
I understand that there will always be a degree of subjectivity in assessing busyness. That beuing said, most teens I encounter could stand to have their schedule cleared out considerably. The camps. The clubs. The dual enrollments. The enrichment activities and extracurriculars that consume every block of free time.
I encourage you to have an honest conversation with your teen about their level of busyness. Inquire how they are doing in terms of their schedule. And let them know in the warmest, sincerest way possible that it is okay to lighten their schedule. Be attentive to signs of exhaustion, and, more importantly, you should resolve to listen and empathize with them when they express their exhaustion. That alone might go a long way towards resolving the issue.
