How to Talk to Children About Traumatic Events
The recent assassination of Charlie Kirk has shocked, angered, and saddened many people in the United States and around the world. I want to offer a few tips to help parents discuss traumatic events with their children. Processing trauma is a complex process that children tackle differently depending on their level of cognitive and emotional maturity. I will therefore separate children by age groups and focus on what is developmentally appropriate for each.
Age 5 and Under
For young children ages five and under, it is honestly best to shield them from traumatic events whenever possible. Young children blur fantasy and reality. When a traumatic event occurs, they are more prone to misunderstanding its impact. This can cause unnecessary fear (e.g., “A man got shot on TV. Is someone going to shoot me, too?”)
There are times when we can’t shield young children, such as the death of a loved one or friend. In these instances, parents want to ensure they are addressing their children’s questions with simple and concrete answers. “Grandma died and she went to heaven,” would be an appropriate response to a child this age. Understand that death is a very abstract concept for young children and is hard for them to understand. They will likely ask more questions, such as, “Will I see Grandma again?” Continue to give them simple responses, “We will see Grandma again at the funeral, but she won’t be able to talk to you because her soul is in heaven.”
If you are attending a funeral, prepare your child for what they will see and what will happen during the funeral service. Talk to your child about the emotions they may be feeling and explain that it is okay to feel sad or even angry. Reassure them that they won’t always feel sad and offer solutions to help them feel better. “I know you are sad about Grandma, and I am too. Let’s read a story together to help us not feel so sad.”
Ages 6 to 11
For children in middle childhood, ages six to eleven, I again recommend shielding them from traumatic events if possible. While middle school aged children have more of a concrete understanding of death, that doesn’t make dealing with it easier. Expect these children to ask more “why” questions, especially about an untimely death or traumatic event. “Why did my friend die in a car accident?” Again, parents want to keep the answers simple and concrete. Still, there may be times when our responses are something like, “We don’t know why God allowed your friend to die in the accident, but God always has a plan, even if we can’t see it now.”
It’s essential to allow your child to express their emotions. Explain that it is normal to feel sadness and anger. Anger can be a more common response in this age group as they begin to develop a deeper understanding of the world and concepts like fairness. Parents want to ensure they are validating their child’s emotions and helping them develop coping strategies. “I know you feel angry, and it isn’t fair that your friend died. We can discuss this further. Or we can try something to help get your mind off feeling angry, like watching a movie. What would you like to do?”
Fear of death or of something similar happening to them is more likely to be a concern at this age as well. Do your best to make sure your child feels safe and address their concerns. There may also be instructional value in this circumstance. Depending on the situation, you may say something like this: “It isn’t common for people to die in a car accident, but sometimes it does happen. This is why we always wear our seatbelts when we get in the car. It helps protect us.”
Adolescents
For adolescents, ages twelve and up, it still may be appropriate to attempt to shield them from some traumatic events. In most cases, likely, they are already aware of the event, so protecting them may not always be possible or appropriate. Expect adolescents to have stronger emotional reactions, even though they may hide them more. As parents, we want to continue emphasizing that these emotions are normal and offer support. “I know you are sad about Grandma. Would you like to discuss this? Or do you want to do something to help get your mind off feeling sad?”
Expect that your adolescents will ask more questions about fairness and morality, especially if the event is traumatic. “Why would someone do this?” “Where is God, and why did he let this happen?” Answer these questions to the best of your ability, and don’t hesitate to say, “I don’t know.” You can reach out to other parents to see how they are helping their children deal with these questions if the event has affected them too. It is normal for adolescents to experience these questions and emotions more intensely than younger children. As a parent, you want to check in with your child regularly to ensure they are doing okay. “How are you feeling this morning? Are you as sad as you were yesterday, or are you starting to feel a little better?”
When Trauma Strikes…
A special note on the Charlie Kirk assassination: This was an extremely traumatic event for people for two main reasons. First, Charlie Kirk was a well-known public figure. Whether people agreed with him or disagreed, many young adults and adolescents were familiar with him. They had seen his clips on YouTube and other social media platforms or listened to his podcast. Because of this, people may feel as though they knew him personally, which can make the event even more traumatic.
Second, the video of his assassination was everywhere on social media and extremely graphic. Viewing something like this will often cause a trauma response where people can’t get the images out of their minds, even if they want to forget them. If you are a parent of an adolescent with access to social media or the internet, ask your child if they have seen the video, if you haven’t already. If they did, tell them they can discuss it with you. “I know that video was very graphic and disturbing. When we watch something like that, it is normal for our brains to keep replaying it even if we don’t want to think about it. Often talking about it helps that response go away.”
Also, if your child followed Charlie Kirk or was familiar with his work, this could feel as devastating as losing a family member or friend. Do not devalue your child’s emotional experience. “I don’t know why you are so sad about the death of someone you never met,” is not an appropriate response from a parent. This response will likely shut down communication with your child, as they will think you don’t understand them. Sympathize with your child. “You seem to be having a hard time, and I want to help you. Tell me how you are feeling.” This response opens up communication and lets your child know you understand how they are feeling.
In Closing
With any traumatic event, it is normal to see some stress responses, such as being emotional, over- or under-eating, having trouble sleeping, lack of focus, not wanting to do anything, anxiety, etc. However, if these responses continue and do not seem to be improving, it may be appropriate to consult a doctor, therapist, or even a priest or spiritual director to determine if your child needs additional support in coping with this event.
As parents, we hope never to have to deal with our children experiencing traumatic events, but it is an unfortunate reality. Hopefully, these tips make it a little easier for you to understand what your child is going through and offer your support.
What are some of your thoughts on this topic? How do you address it in your home? Join me and other homeschooling parents in the Homeschool Connections Facebook Group or in the HSC Community. I’d love to continue this conversation with you there.
